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Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Broken Heart

This is how my heart feels at this point! I really don't even know what to do with myself. I absolutely hate this feeling. I have felt this only one other time in my life, and never thought I'd have to feel it again. When I'm upset I get really sick to my stomach and can't eat or keep food down. I put on this smile and tough girl persona in front of everyone but its killing me inside.  I get why everyone feels this way but they don't see him the way I do. And yes sometimes things aren't the best, but what relationship is. You have to work at things. I just don't know what to do. I'm so close with my parents and I truly care what they think and how they feel, we are just a close knit family. But I don't want to have to go thru my life saying "what if"  and I have definitely questioned one other "what if"  in my life many times when my ex passed away. Would he still be here if I had given him another chance? I can't answer that, and I don't want to say that to myself again. I honest to God don't think I could handle it emotionally if I lost someone else I loved so much and had that "what if" thought. 
I have cried so much in the last two days this is how my eyes feel. I know this isn't like my normal posts but I just need to write this down and get it off my chest. I know things need to change for them to be better, but is he willing to put in the work? or just see it as winning or losing!! Our relationship is NOT a game, its not about who wins or loses its about both of us winning. Do any of you guys have break up advice??? I've had my friends to keep me busy this past month but these last few days have been the worst. It probably didn't help that I talked to him about our feelings but I needed it. We both want it but don't know how to get it or change each others ways. And if you can't give you can't get.
I just hate that my heart feels this way. Broken, alone, hurt, scratched, cut, shattered, not whole. Do we try to make things work ONE MORE TIME? I want to SO bad, but will it be different? Can he change? Can I change? I guess only time will tell and I hope time doesn't run out. I may be on here more then normal just to occupy my time.
Thank you for listening or reading even if you don't know me. This just sucks so much and I hate hurting so I hate to hurt someone else and have them feel the way I do. Well I'm off to try and not cry anymore!!
xoxox and a broken heart

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